Chapter Text
He never told anyone but he was always filled to the brim with anxiety. If one would take a look at him, no-one would be none the wiser that inside he was constantly on the rimming the edge of an anxiety attack.
His stomach was constantly filled with butterflies and not the good kind either, the ones that bit and chipped at your insides and the slightest brush of their wings would almost send him over the edge. Though he never did. He was good at hanging on, even by the slightest thread.
He always ribbed at Moxxie, making fun of the smaller imp, when in fact he was almost exactly the same way. Difference was he hid it, whereas Moxxie outwardly showed it without embarrassment. He never had the luxury.
He’d had it since he was a young child, an age when he shouldn’t have had to even worry about anything. But when you have an asshole father and your whole existence is hanging onto how much money you make him, you would tend to develop some anxiety.
He’d had it worse as a child, than his sister and Fizz had, because they had nothing to worry about, even then. They were talented and their confidence grew.
He..wasn’t as talented and was always told so, his confidence lessened and anxiety rose as he tried to keep up and failed.
He had grown to have frequent anxiety attacks after shows that..hadn’t done so well, leaving his father to berate and insult his worth, and Fizz and Barbie to comfort him.
His anxiety infuriated his father, even though he was the main cause of it in the first place.
So began the hiding. Acting like nothing was wrong until he was alone, where he then broke. He gave himself a new persona, a mask, something to hide behind. To showcase confidence that he actually lacked. Fake it till you make it.
Thats what kept him sane, thats what kept him gripping on to normality. He was good was it, it is what became second nature throughout his life as he grew up into adulthood. Especially after..all he’d been through. And no-one even knew, not one person. Anyone who did was either dead or didn’t care anymore.
Drinking until the early hours of the morning became the new norm so he would come into work slightly tipsy helped sometimes when the balloon of his anxiety threatened to burst. A few pills here and there on especially bad days to stop the lessen the growing storm. It helped and Blitzo dealt with it.
However, recently had been especially bad for him, IMP had seen no clients for weeks and Blitzo’s anxiety was at its peak. Fear for his company gripped at his mind and prevented sleep from coming to him when he laid exhausted in bed the last few nights. This left him sleep deprived on top of his overwhelming panic.
Scenarios had whirled through his mind all night. Stolas taking the book away. IMP going out of business. The building been taken away leaving everyone jobless. Millie and Moxxie leaving the city to move to somewhere cheaper to live. Losing his apartment leaving him and Loona homeless. Loona leaving him. Leaving him alone.
People always did. Fizz, Barbie,..Mom. He could never make them stay. He was always all alone. He was destined to be alone. He deserved to be alone. Oh! He was such a failure! He was going to die alone!
The negative thoughts and dread kept him awake every night, setting him on edge. It had gotten so bad last night that he had curled into a ball, shaking and teeth gritted, his eyes wide with wild panic. He’d almost drowned in his panic but had managed to hang on by the tiniest of threads.
He’d been popping pills almost every few hours, trying to stop even the littlest of thoughts breaking through the wall. It made it.. bearable though the panic was still there only numbed enough to be a slight buzzing. His tolerance to the pills and alcohol was increasing.
Today, however, it was the worst he had been. Driving to work had been difficult, trying to hide his anxiety from Loona. He was lucky that they hadn’t had to pick up Moxxie and Millie that morning as they had went in early. He’d put on a grin and turned the music up full blast to sway any conversation and try to distract himself. If Loona spoke a word, he thought he would break. She didn’t and stayed silent on her phone as she always did and trudged off to her desk as soon as they entered the office.
He made for his office straight away, forgoing his usual greeting to M & M , spouting some excuse about having some ‘very important’ work to do and had slammed the door shut and hadn’t left since.
He had been sitting in his chair for hours, not hardly moving a muscle, his nails scratching at his arm and his legs jittery. His pills were starting to wear off, the usual wall slowing his thoughts was coming down and allowing his thoughts fly through his mind a hundred a second.
Finally he stood and stumbled to his cupboard where he kept some pills. He pulled open the door and reached up to the shelf with a shaky hand. He grabbed it and quickly tipped the box to let the pills slide into his hand. But, no pills came.
His eyes widened and his breath started to come out in pants. No. No. No. No pills. No. No. No. He threw the empty box away.
He searched for some alcohol instead, anything to take the edge off. But every bottle he found in his cupboards were empty. No. No. No!
He stumbled backwards.
He could feel his anxiety slamming into the wall, the wall weakening and threatening to break down. The shakes and jitters increase until he couldn’t even stand still. His heart pounded in his ears.
Then.
Boom.
The barriers broke, the defences gone.
Blitzo fell to his knees and clenched his horns as the wall broke and his thoughts and worries loudly span around his head like a whirlwind. His vision blurred and his hearing muffled as the world around him seemed to fade away. He was drowning in a sea of fear and dread.
He clenched his eyes closed as his breathing sped up to become shuttered gasps, his claws digging into his horns painfully.
In his panic, he didn’t hear the loud bangs on his office door from his concerned co-workers and daughter, worried voices calling his name.
His vision began to blacken at the corners and spread and it became harder to breath. His chest hurt, lungs begging for oxygen, but despite panting, no air was even reaching them, no matter how he tried.
The world began to tilt and turned on its side. Then his vision went black. He’d finally got his first sleep in weeks, just not in the way that he’d planned.