Chapter Text
Even if anyone had ever dared to ask, neither of them would have been able to say how it happened. In fact, they'd both deny it happened at all. One moment two high school aged boys were chasing each other down the streets, leaving destruction in their wake, and the next moment one of them was pressed against a wall in a dark alley with the other thrusting forcefully into him. Izaya bit down on his arm, desperately trying to hold in the cries of painful pleasure that threatened to spill past his lips while Shizuo relentlessly pounded into him, his full concentration on the point where their bodies connected as he effortlessly pinned the smaller man against the wall.
Shizuo tried to recall what led up to this. He was chasing the flea like normal, nothing going through his mind except punching the flea's head into the pavement. Then Izaya made a mistake. He made a sudden turn down a narrow alley, the path winding around a corner. Izaya abruptly turned seemingly in an attempt to throw Shizuo off the trail but adrenaline allowed him to react fast enough to skid around the corner to follow him.
It was a dead end. For a moment Izaya attempted to scale the wall, reaching for the ladder of a fire escape above him. But his hesitation had allowed Shizuo to catch up. He grabbed a hold of Izaya and yanked him back down before he could get away, swiftly grabbing him by the neck and slamming him into the wall.
"Caught you," Shizuo growled with a grin.
In a flash, a knife was against his throat. "Let me go, Shizu-chan," Izaya said, his voice low and serious, lacking his usual charm and cheeriness despite the continued use of that damn nickname.
And then time seemed to grind to a halt. The world around them faded as they stared at each other, both still breathing heavily. Tension filled the air between them as they both came to the realization that one of them was going to have to commit to making their move. They were too hidden from the usual distractions that would split them up. Nobody was going to interrupt them here. Either Izaya would shove his blade forward into Shizuo's neck or Shizuo would crush Izaya's neck in his hand. Neither of them were about to back down.
They stood frozen in this strange moment for some time. It could be over for either one of them, but despite their unwillingness to back down, neither seemed to want to take the initiative forward either. Granted, at close quarters such as this, it wasn't a fair fight. Shizuo was confident he could crush Izaya’s throat beneath his hand and snap his neck with ease while it might take a bit more force for Izaya to slice deep enough into Shizuo’s throat to sever his jugular. Yet still, neither moved.
It must have had something to do with adrenaline. Adrenaline and a mix of other hormones that frequently got teenage boys into trouble. That was the only rational explanation for what happened next. Their lips met in a forceful kiss, a violent entanglement of tongues and teeth as Izaya finally lowered his knife and Shizuo’s grip on Izaya’s throat slackened. There was nothing gentle or loving about the kiss, instead it became a new type of battle as they fought for control. Tension peaked when Shizuo shoved Izaya back into the wall, his knee forcing its way between Izaya’s legs. It was only then that Izaya relented, stunned for a moment as he allowed Shizuo to have control over the speed and force of the kiss as their tongues twisted against one another.
When Shizuo finally pulled back for air, they were both panting harder than ever. Flushed and gasping for breath, Izaya’s hips shifted, pressing something hard against Shizuo’s knee. It was only then that Shizuo realized that he too was straining against his pants as Izaya practically dry humped his leg.
Another kiss, just as harsh and forceful as the last brought their bodies closer, their clothed erections grinding against one another hard enough to hurt but neither of them seemed to care. The pain only made them push forward even more. Before he knew it, Izaya’s hands were working at Shizuo’s pants, fingers desperately fumbling to pull his cock free as he bit at Shizuo’s lower lip.
With a grunt Shizuo reached down to return the favor, but quickly became frustrated at the button on Izaya’s pants and instead ripped the button off. Izaya groaned his displeasure at that, but didn’t make any movement to make Shizuo stop. Somehow, Izaya’s fly remained intact and that was much easier to unzip without damage for which Izaya hummed in approval.
Shizuo yanked Izaya’s pants and boxers down and spun him to face the wall, pressing the side of his face into the brick as he pulled his own cock free.
“Wait,” Izaya said, breaking Shizuo from his trance just enough to remember who exactly he had pinned against the wall. He tried not to think too much about it as Izaya reached for his pants pocket to pull out his wallet. From inside he pulled out a condom, shoving it into Shizuo’s free hand. There was a moment where he was confused about why Izaya cared about that until he noticed the package said it was lubricated.
Ah. Now it made sense.
It’s not like they had anything else available to use, although the fact that Izaya even carried a condom with him left Shizuo slightly annoyed for some reason, but the feeling didn’t last.
No more time was wasted as Shizuo tore open the condom and put it on. He grabbed the back of Izaya’s head with one hand to hold him still while he held his cock with the other. There was no preparation as he began to sink into Izaya, ignoring the pained hiss that slipped past Izaya’s lips and the way his legs trembled harder as he pushed himself steadily and firmly inside.
If he was hurting Izaya he didn’t really care. After all, if Izaya didn’t want this too he wouldn’t have let it happen. Yet here he was, his ass pressing back on Shizuo’s cock trying to force it inside himself faster. He obliged, hips jutting forward until he was fully buried inside.
Izaya let out a sound somewhere between a gasp and a cry as he was suddenly filled, his ass tightening around Shizuo reflexively as his fist slammed once against the wall. It must have hurt, Shizuo thought, but despite Izaya’s obvious signs of pain, his erection hadn’t flagged one bit. He barely gave Izaya time to adjust before he began thrusting. Even so, Izaya still didn’t complain. Instead he just shifted his hips up for a better angle.
They quickly found a rhythm, Shizuo thrusting shallowly against that spot that made Izaya's knees weak. He aimed directly for that spot, feeling the way Izaya's ass seemed to pull him in, tightening in just the right way that Shizuo lost himself in the sensation. At some point he realized he was almost entirely holding Izaya up, the smaller man’s legs giving out underneath him as he focused all of his willpower to keep from crying out.
He felt the condom break as he continued to take Izaya. He was sure Izaya felt it too when he let out a particularly pleasured whimper as Shizuo's bare cock rubbed against his prostate. Almost immediately Shizuo felt himself tip over the edge, his pace increased as he neared closer to climax. Underneath him he felt Izaya shift, his hand moving to his own untouched erection. His breathing quickened as his hand wrapped around himself and began stroking, his muscles clenched around Shizuo even harder as he did so, sending Shizuo past the tipping point.
Shizuo came with violent force as he buried himself all the way inside of Izaya, hips thrusting shallow as he used Izaya's body to stroke out as much tension as he could. Just as he was nearing the end of that blissful moment, he heard Izaya let out a low moan. Izaya’s muscles rhythmically tightened and loosened around Shizuo's cock as he came, drawing out the rest of Shizuo's orgasm.
When the haze cleared, Shizuo pulled out fast enough to make Izaya gasp. He released his grip on Izaya's hips and immediately the smaller man’s legs gave out as he crumbled to the ground. Shizuo didn't bother to ask if Izaya was okay, in fact, he didn't say a word as he zipped himself up and turned to leave the alley.
He didn't know how long Izaya stayed there in that alley.
He didn't know about the conflicting feelings that stirred inside Izaya as he attempted to catch his breath. Or the tears that began to form but were never allowed to fall.
He didn't know just how much that one moment of closeness–as violent and selfish as it had been–had affected Izaya’s emotional state.
All he knew was Izaya was absent from school the next day. He'd asked Shinra about it, but Shinra seemed clueless, only stating that Izaya had said he wasn't feeling well. Nothing about what had transpired between them.
When Izaya returned the following day, it was as if nothing had changed. However, for one fleeting moment, Shizuo almost wished it had.
…~-~…
Things were supposed to get better… So why is everything so much worse?
Shizuo took a long drag of his cigarette, holding onto the hope that the damn thing would help put his mind at ease. Nicotine seemed to be the only thing that helped at all anymore, calming him down before he could do any serious harm to the people around him. He'd been on edge for weeks, every little thing grating on his nerves more than usual.
He'd snapped at Tom today. He knew Tom was only trying to help, and usually his friend's calm voice pulled him out of his rage…
He felt like he was slipping backwards.
Everything is getting worse…
His thoughts went in cycles as he desperately attempted to calm his racing mind. Even the cool night breeze that usually soothed him didn't touch his mood tonight.
“Shizuo, stop!”
Tom's near frightened shout from earlier still rang loud and clear in his mind. He'd managed to redirect his fist into the wall behind Tom instead of his face, but what if he hadn't?
What if next time he slipped up?
The sickening crack followed by the feeling of bones giving against his fist… The scent of blood as the man pulled himself upright, barely able to stand, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth and various cuts all over his body… The cold feeling of resolve as he grabbed the nearest object, a bright red vending machine, dragging it closer to eliminate the target of his rage…
“Do it, monster.”
Those words… Said in the weakest voice he'd ever heard from that man's lips.
None of it mattered. None of it felt real. His only thought was to kill.
“AHH!” Shizuo shouted, shaking his head as that moment replayed in his head for the billionth time in the past year. His fist slammed into the lamp post next to him. The metal crumpled beneath his hand and once again the feeling of bones snapping flashed into his mind.
It was too easy. It was far too easy for him to do that kind of damage. How had he managed to avoid killing someone for this long?
….
Or had he…?
Shizuo slipped into a nearby alley, leaning against the wall as that nagging panic crept back into his chest like it had so many times over the past year.
Black hair, deep mahogany eyes, that stupid fur lined jacket…
He hadn't seen or heard anything related to Orihara Izaya in over a year.
Not since he…
Shizuo let his head hit the wall as he leaned back, sliding to the ground. This was what he wanted, wasn't it? For Izaya to stay out of Ikebukuro? To stay out of his life?
Not like this…
Shizuo pulled his knees up to his chest, now cradling his head in his hands.
He was gone. Nobody had seen nor heard from Izaya since that night. Not his regular clients, not Shinra, not Celty, not even his own sisters… Nobody.
He'd simply vanished.
Or he's dead. And you killed him.
Shizuo bit his lip as his hands began to shake. With each passing month he was unraveling bit by bit.
I killed him. I killed Orihara Izaya. His injuries were too severe. I didn't hold anything back. I may not have seen him die, but he easily could have died from those wounds later.
There it was again. That spiraling feeling. The nausea built as the images flashed into his mind once again.
Blood. Izaya's body on the ground, his arms twisted in an unnatural position. The way he forced himself to his feet, shattered arms dangling uselessly… Those words again…
“Do it, monster.”
That's right. He was truly a monster. One capable of murdering a man in the middle of a crowded street while people watched in horror. Watched as he crushed that man beneath the vending machine that no human should be able to lift over their head like he could…
“Shizuo-senpai is human.”
Ah… Right…
Vorona. His first and only kouhai.
His friend.
He now knew about her true identity, though she had gone back to Russia shortly after the incident. She was an assassin. She had killed many people before he met her. Yet he couldn't see her as a monster. And she didn't see him as one either. That should mean something, right?
Shizuo lifted his head, staring at the cigarette he’d dropped at some point. It was just barely smoking from its place on the ground. The wisps of smoke reminded him of Celty's shadow, and the way it shifted like smoke in the space where her head should be.
Celty… another good friend… She wasn't human at all, and still, he didn't see her as a monster either. And conversely she didn't see him as one.
It was reassuring, but only barely. It wasn't just his body that made him monstrous. It was his rage. It was all consuming and practically indiscriminate. But worst of all was how uncontrollable it was. He didn't feel like himself when he got angry. And so many little things could set him off before he could even recognize what was happening. Over the years he had gotten better at identifying the things that set him off and avoiding them, but it wasn't always possible when trouble seemed to follow him everywhere…
With extraordinary effort, Shizuo managed to pull himself back onto his feet. The nausea had subsided, though his anxious thoughts still ebbed at the corners of his mind, threatening to pull him back down at any moment. Instead, he lit another cigarette and began walking. Focusing on putting one foot in front of the other as he slowly made his way home.
The sound of his phone in his pocket drew his attention as he walked. He pulled out the device, finding a new text message from Tom.
“[I’m sure you're feeling bad about what happened earlier. Don't beat yourself up too bad, Shizuo. I know it wasn't personal, and I hope you can forgive yourself.]”
A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth for just a moment before the guilt flooded back and his face fell back into a frown. He didn't deserve the kindness his friends and brother always showed him. They should hate him. It would almost be easier if they did. Then he wouldn't have to feel this way when he inevitably hurt them.
He was better off alone… Or at least, everyone else was better off without him.
Shizuo went to take another long drag of his cigarette until he realized he'd already smoked the entire thing without noticing. He replaced it with another, once again hoping against all odds that it might put him at ease.
Five cigarettes later, he stumbled into his apartment. He vaguely recognized that he hadn't eaten anything for dinner, but the idea of food was met with nausea and was quickly dismissed. Instead, he collapsed on the couch, burying his face in a pillow and letting out a long sigh.
“Do it, monster.”
Shizuo groaned as the last words Izaya spoke to him once again repeated in his mind. Something deep in his chest pulled. A feeling that often drove him insane when he put too much thought into it. A strange sort of longing feeling that left him feeling disgusted with himself.
He hated Izaya.
Or at least that's what he told himself.
Izaya was a terrible person. Cold, cruel, selfish, and dangerous. All things Shizuo despised in a person.
But did he really deserve death ?
That pulling in his chest was getting worse again. It was a different type of pain from the physical. It gripped him, pulling him down deeper and deeper the longer his thoughts remained on the man he should hate.
He shifted just enough to reach into his pocket and pull out his cigarettes once again, still hoping they would take the edge off that feeling. He stared blankly into the pack, realizing there was only one cigarette left. That seemed to be happening a lot lately. He lit the final cigarette, inhaling deeply to try to get the most out of it.
He'd have to pick some more up tomorrow…
He knew smoking so much wasn't doing him any good, but at the same time he didn't care. Everyone would probably be better off if the cigarettes killed him anyway…
As he finished the final cigarette he managed to type a response to Tom's text from earlier.
“[I'm going to take a few days off.]”
Shizuo hit send and turned off his phone.